You'd think that such an adventurous runner as myself would be the same kind of person when not running. You'd be wrong. Give me new paths to explore while running, give me forests to get lost in, give me the decision to choose between left, right or straight ahead at a crossroads, and it's pretty easy. No matter which way I choose, it's the right way, because it's a new discovery.
Give me a decision to make about life and the future, and I can stand there paralysed for months. I realise it's like comparing apples and oranges (or apples and Saucony shoes – trying to keep this blog running related even in these difficult times of injury) but I've often found similarities between my running and my life in general. Take the way I lean backwards and unconsciously brake when I run. That's how I am in other situations too. I need to be in control of the situation, not let it go too fast.
And then there's the Voices.
You think you don't hear Voices? Oh, they're there, but maybe they whisper to you, while mine SCREAM. Before you call the men in the white coats, let me explain. Every time we have a decision to make in life, we go through a process. Some people are pretty fast in that decision making process (oh how I envy them). They follow their hearts, because their hearts speak loud and clear. Others (like me) can spend days or weeks considering and reconsidering, making lists of pros and cons, consulting others and so on. But no matter what your style is, there are people in your life whose Voices have influenced you in one way or another. Your parents. Your friends. Your significant others. A very special teacher, perhaps. How is a decision you make truly yours? Why do you pick strawberry ice cream and not vanilla? Why pick ice cream at all? Who taught you (or inspired you, or whatever you want to call it) to like strawberry ice cream? How much of you is you? Is an individual just a collection of their loved ones' Voices?
|Showing you the way or making your decisions for you? And why isn't there a sign when you need one?|
So I go for weeks without making a decision, because I wish that my own voice would be loud enough to drown out all others. But indecision is also a decision. It's resistance to change. And the world cannot wait forever. Maybe it is like running in a way; no matter which way I choose, it will be the right way, because it will be a new discovery. As long as I don't go backwards.